Tuesday, January 26, 2010

It is better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life...

I just heard this song by Theory of a Dead Man.... interesting name..... It's called "Not Meant To Be." I guess I'm not alone in the troubles I've been having as I find so many songs, poems, etc that I totally relate to. 

It's never enough to say I'm sorry
It's never enough to say I care
But I'm caught between what you
Wanted from me, and knowing
If I give that to ya
I might just disappear.

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

Oh, it's like

One step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I can't change your mind,

Oh, it's like

Trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me and I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be

It's never enough to say I love you
No, it's never enough to say I try
It's hard to believe that's there's
No way out for you and me
And it seems to be,
The story of our life

There's still time to turn this around
Should we be building this up
Instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking
Maybe it's too late.

It's like one step forward,
And two steps back,
No matter what I do
You're always mad,
And I, Baby I'm sorry to see,
Maybe that we're not meant to be

I really relate to this song because I truly feel like I've tried everything possible to please him. In doing so, it was never enough. I DID feel as if I was disappearing. He was always mad, no matter what I did or didn't do. It was killing me. Certainly, all of that is not meant to be....

I used to believe that love was always enough. Love could overcome anything. It is not always true. I have loved with all the capacity of my being.... it still was not good enough.

No miracles. No sudden healing. No cure for the illness. No explanations. No answers.

I've tried very hard to keep this mostly to myself and a few trusted friends. I've tried hard to have faith, and to stay positive. (Unsuccessfully I might add.) I don't want to be a negative person, but I've realized that I have to work through this before I can heal and move on. So, I post this as a beginning to recovery.
It's going to be a difficult journey, recovering from a near death experience. I was nearly dead emotionally and spiritually. I have repeatedly been told that I need to be tougher, to understand the intent of what is said, not the actual words or tone, to choose not to be hurt by what is said... President Monson has said, "Men, take care not to make women weep, for God counts their tears." He did not tell women to get thicker skin or choose what we feel.

In the pamphlet, "Responding to Abuse: Helps for Ecclesiastical Leaders" the LDS Church states, "Abuse in any form is tragic and in opposition to the teachings of the Savior. Abuse is the physical, emotional, sexual, or spiritual mistreatment of others. It may not only harm the body, but it can deeply affect the mind and spirit, destroying faith and causing confusion, doubt, mistrust, guilt, and fear." Any member of the LDS Church who abuses children or others is not a "member in good standing in this Church. The abuse of one’s spouse and children is a most serious offense before God," Men who abuse their wives are not worthy to hold the priesthood.

I need to work on letting this go. I need to allow the Lord to hold others accountable in His own due time. It is hard to be the one suffering right this very instant and watch those who are causing that suffering go on with life as if nothing bad has happened. I need to keep reminding myself that it is just a show... and act put on to make others think he is not in the wrong and that he is worthy of the praise that he needs, like the rest of us need oxygen.

I would not say my faith is destroyed. It is, however, most definitely shaken. I am confused and afraid. I have many doubts... mostly in myself. I doubt my own ability to understand God. I doubt my own testimony and all the ways in which I thought I had received it. I doubt my relationship with my Father in Heaven and I'm no longer sure who He is or what His nature is. That scares me and I wonder if I will ever heal....

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry you are going through all of this stuff. Sometimes everyone has to start from the beginning of their testimony all over again. It can be done. One day at a time...
    I love you and I hope things begin to go better for you. I wish you all the happiness and love that you need and deserve. Let me know if I can help.