Growing Things...

I've spent a few minutes reading some of my own posts on all 3 of my blogs!  I've decided that blogging is a really good thing.  It's very much like journalling.  It's good for the soul, I think.  I can look back and see where I've been and how far I've come.

My last post on this blog was about how I would not be having a garden this year.  I didn't.  I was in Indonesia and Timor Leste all Summer!  Wow!  That was a fantastic experience!  Does that mean I did not grow anything?  NOPE!

I grew healing, in my heart.  Getting away from the one causing the harm was key.  The first thing you do with a wound is stop the bleeding.  Being completely away from my usual environment was such a good thing, in so many ways... it's hard to explain, but it got me out of myself.  The world suddenly seemed bigger and more vast, which gave me hope and a desire to explore it!  Then, add service to the mix and the healing power increases exponentially!  I'm pretty sure that the power of service does not need to be explained to anyone who has served another.  Immersing myself, for an entire Summer, in service was the most healing thing I could have done and I will never regret it.

I grew faith.  Funny thing about faith... you have to use it to have it.  You must exercise it to grow it.  I had no idea why I was going on my "mini mission" but I knew I was meant to go.  It was hard to leave my family for so long, live with a 1000 complete strangers, and travel to a place where I did not understand the language or the culture to do a job that I had no idea what it would be before I got there.  I sensed that my purpose in going was for my own healing, but I did not understand how that would happen.  I trusted.  It worked!  I can't even tell you now, how that healing happened.  There was not one moment of epiphany, not one great witness of a miracle, not one big spiritual revelation.....  Instead, there were hundreds of tiny moments of joy, awe, humility, surprise and witnesses of the Spirit.  Little by little, Heavenly Father whittled away the hard shell of anger and bitterness I had developed as a protection.  Then, he drizzled on me, love and kindness, like the salty mist of the sea cools the heat in a Pacific storm.

I took this from the ship, on the way to Guam.

I grew my testimony.  I was privileged to work and live with the most amazing Latter-Day Saints!  Every night, we gathered for a devotional where I was honored to listen to their strong testimonies and the inspiring thoughts that had come to them while serving on the USNS Mercy.  As I learned of their lives of struggle and hardship, I realized that the trials of life are not any easier on some than others.  We all must endure things that are tailored to try us where we need strength.  It is in the choosing that determines what happens to us.  Two people can have the same struggle and one end up bitter and miserable, while the other ends up stronger and enlightened.  It is not the trial that did it... it is how we chose to deal with that trial.  I met so many who were choosing to become like God, following His example.  I saw the results of those choices and I want to be like them.

A few of my examples....

I grew friends.  I grew love.  I grew compassion.  I grew thankfulness.

I grew closer to my Savior..... to Him, I give thanks.

Growing Strawberry/Rhubarb Pie!

I didn't plant anything in my yard this year.  I'm not going to have a garden.  The wonderful thing is that I still get to enjoy some things I've planted in the past.... asparagus, chives, mint, onions, etc.  Soon, I'll be enjoying the strawberries and rhubarb, together, in a pie! YUM!

Strawberries are blooming nicely!

My rhubarb has gone wild!

Isn't it beautiful?  I love how big it is!

I cut the leaves off outside so they don't overrun my kitchen!  Did you know the leaves are poisonous?

I had enough to make 7 pies!  I still have more rhubarb coming! 

......now, waiting on the strawberries.....

Just Ducky!

I decided to try a bit of sewing.  It's a pastime I used to really love, but it had gone by the way side for various reasons over the years.  I used to find it very relaxing and comforting in stressful situations.  I'd say my life fits that description now, so I thought, "What have I got to lose?"  I already had a pattern and some material so I dug it out and this is what came of it!

           

Isn't she cute!?  I decided that it was almost Easter so I would give it as a gift to my newest niece, Nora.  I gave my ducky light blue eyes to match hers....

On Easter, I had so much fun watching her open her gift!

She really, really loved her new duck!

Then, her mom reminded me that she had dressed up as a duck for Halloween!  Boy!  We had some fun with that!!!!

 

Happy Easter!

Snowmageddon!

I heard that title from someone on Facebook.  I think it fits the weather we've had in the past 24 hours!  I just awoke from a nap... taken for the sole purpose of getting warm.  We had no electricity and therefore no heat for almost 24 hours.  I woke up to see my alarm clock flashing and hearing the furnace running... music to my ears!

This morning, I woke up to a ton of snow and realized I should have parked the car near the end of the drive.  Today's PT appointment.... canceled. :-(  Let the shoveling begin!

Tree branches were down everywhere, to add a bit of diversion to the white monotony.

I started shoveling a path for my tires.  Yes, I had silly dreams of still making it to my appointment...  The snow was so deep at the end of my driveway where the plow dumps it all, that I had to work in layers.  The whole time I was working, I was wondering if I could even back out straight enough to keep my tires in the shoveled path!  That would have been a challenge for me!

Neighbor to the rescue!  He saw me out there and stopped by to tell me he would send a friend over to clear my driveway for me.  He made a call and told me to go back in my house.  "You're getting all sweaty out here!" he said.  LOL.  He was so right!  (Not to mention the burning torn rotator cuff.)

A few minutes later....

WOW!  It felt like a Superhero had arrived!  Aaaar Aaaaar Aaaar!  Now, that's a MAN's machine!

In all seriousness, today was an example of how a community should work.  I did my best to help myself.  Ben shoveled off the roof.  A neighbor came and saved me in what I could have never done.  Then, he learned of the 84 year old woman next door.  I brought her some soup later, as she doesn't have a gas stove and can't cook if the power is out.  I found him there plowing her drive too.  Everyone was dug out, everyone was warm enough, everyone was fed hot soup.  Everyone pitched in.  That is the way the world turns and it feels good to me!

Matthew 25

35 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:

  36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

  37 Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?

  38 When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?

  39 Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?

  40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

It is better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life...

I just heard this song by Theory of a Dead Man.... interesting name..... It's called "Not Meant To Be." I guess I'm not alone in the troubles I've been having as I find so many songs, poems, etc that I totally relate to. 


It's never enough to say I'm sorry
It's never enough to say I care
But I'm caught between what you
Wanted from me, and knowing
If I give that to ya
I might just disappear.

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

Oh, it's like

One step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I can't change your mind,

Oh, it's like

Trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me and I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be

It's never enough to say I love you
No, it's never enough to say I try
It's hard to believe that's there's
No way out for you and me
And it seems to be,
The story of our life

There's still time to turn this around
Should we be building this up
Instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking
Maybe it's too late.

It's like one step forward,
And two steps back,
No matter what I do
You're always mad,
And I, Baby I'm sorry to see,
Maybe that we're not meant to be

I really relate to this song because I truly feel like I've tried everything possible to please him. In doing so, it was never enough. I DID feel as if I was disappearing. He was always mad, no matter what I did or didn't do. It was killing me. Certainly, all of that is not meant to be....

I used to believe that love was always enough. Love could overcome anything. It is not always true. I have loved with all the capacity of my being.... it still was not good enough.

No miracles. No sudden healing. No cure for the illness. No explanations. No answers.

I've tried very hard to keep this mostly to myself and a few trusted friends. I've tried hard to have faith, and to stay positive. (Unsuccessfully I might add.) I don't want to be a negative person, but I've realized that I have to work through this before I can heal and move on. So, I post this as a beginning to recovery.

It's going to be a difficult journey, recovering from a near death experience. I was nearly dead emotionally and spiritually. I have repeatedly been told that I need to be tougher, to understand the intent of what is said, not the actual words or tone, to choose not to be hurt by what is said... President Monson has said, "Men, take care not to make women weep, for God counts their tears." He did not tell women to get thicker skin or choose what we feel.

In the pamphlet, "Responding to Abuse: Helps for Ecclesiastical Leaders" the LDS Church states, "Abuse in any form is tragic and in opposition to the teachings of the Savior. Abuse is the physical, emotional, sexual, or spiritual mistreatment of others. It may not only harm the body, but it can deeply affect the mind and spirit, destroying faith and causing confusion, doubt, mistrust, guilt, and fear." Any member of the LDS Church who abuses children or others is not a "member in good standing in this Church. The abuse of one’s spouse and children is a most serious offense before God," Men who abuse their wives are not worthy to hold the priesthood.

I need to work on letting this go. I need to allow the Lord to hold others accountable in His own due time. It is hard to be the one suffering right this very instant and watch those who are causing that suffering go on with life as if nothing bad has happened. I need to keep reminding myself that it is just a show... and act put on to make others think he is not in the wrong and that he is worthy of the praise that he needs, like the rest of us need oxygen.

I would not say my faith is destroyed. It is, however, most definitely shaken. I am confused and afraid. I have many doubts... mostly in myself. I doubt my own ability to understand God. I doubt my own testimony and all the ways in which I thought I had received it. I doubt my relationship with my Father in Heaven and I'm no longer sure who He is or what His nature is. That scares me and I wonder if I will ever heal....